It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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