She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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