I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
