I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't turn off my feet"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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