Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
