JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
