thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
