Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
