Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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