Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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