I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
