I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
