no. you can't hotbox the world.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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