No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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