he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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