They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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