You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
