We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
