Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
