So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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