Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize