Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
