he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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