a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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