he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
