Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize