It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
