Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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