Your face is a jimmy john
smell my finger.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
