so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
