mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
