and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How does one acquire holy water?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
