dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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