It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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