How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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