I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
