I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
