Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
