I didn't shave. On purpose
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
is wine microwaveable?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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