I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
