Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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