Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
