I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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