your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
