Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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