just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
