Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
