Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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