its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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