I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
