I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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