shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So. Much. Porn.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
