im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
