I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
