I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
