don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
