im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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