you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
