I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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